Tew American Lore

When the Robbies crash-landed into the abandoned nuclear plant, Blowhard was the first to speak.

“Well, at least now we all glow with radiance.”

The Robbies groaned. “This isn’t the time for jokes!”

But to Blowhard, there was always time for jokes. If you could laugh at something, you could understand it. But the other Robbies? Oh, they did not get it.

One day, at a grand Robbie gathering, he joked, “If we put half as much effort into thinking as we do into judging each other, we might actually achieve world peace.”

Silence.

“Oh my god,” one whispered. “He just called us stupid.”

“And judgmental!” another gasped.

“And probably something else offensive, even though he didn’t say it, but I feel like he meant it, so it counts!”

No matter what he said, they twisted it. Even the Robbies closest to him wouldn’t take him at face value.

“You overthink too much.”

“You always have to be different, don’t you?”

“Why can’t you just be normal?”

So he shut up.

No more jokes. No more thoughts. No more him.

Life became a grey, silent fog. He wasn’t alone, but he might as well have been.

And the worst part? Even when some Robbies did try to befriend him, he couldn’t trust them.

What was their angle? What did they really want? Were they waiting for him to slip up so they could twist his words again?

All he could do was question their evil ulterior motives.

Then one day, while sitting at the edge of yet another meaningless Robbie discussion, Dingleberry waddled over, chewing gum he definitely found in a questionable place.

He plopped down next to Blowhard, stared at the babbling crowd, and muttered: “Robbies—smart. Groups of Robbies? Stupid.”

Blowhard blinked.

Why was he hiding? For them? The ones who never gave him a chance anyway?

Screw that.

He stood up, cracked his knuckles, and declared: “You’re all just mad because I say the things you’re too afraid to admit to yourselves. Also, Dingleberry, I think that gum had ants on it.”

Dingleberry swallowed. “Extra protein.”

Blowhard laughed—for real this time.

From that moment on, he stopped caring about the Robbies who would never get him. He spoke his mind. He cracked his jokes. He let the right people find him.

And he realized—he never had to be alone again.

Once upon a time, in a land full of Wi-Fi and overpriced avocado toast, there was a young man named Pwettyboy. Now, Pwettyboy wasn’t always this loud. No, he was once a humble, innocent lad who went to a prestigious institution known as Human University (that’s right, the one with all the really important degrees in Being Woke 101 and Shouting About Injustice for Fun).

At Human University, Pwettyboy quickly learned that to be a real hero, you didn’t need to do anything—you just needed to talk about doing it. He’d taken courses like “How to Look Super Woke While Doing Absolutely Nothing” and “Shouting Over People 101.” His professors, who were experts in online outrage and performative activism, filled his head with all sorts of extremely complicated ideas about privilege and oppression (but none of that “listening to others” stuff, which seemed so overrated).

This is where Pwettyboy’s descent into self-righteous oblivion began. He spent four years perfecting the art of speaking without ever hearing what anyone else had to say. Why listen when you can just yell louder and assume you know everything? It was a time of unquestionable self-assurance and loud opinions. The louder you spoke, the more woke you were, and Pwettyboy was mega-woke. He thought his opinions were like golden nuggets of truth that could solve every world issue.

His Human University education taught him that real activism meant being the loudest person in the room and never questioning your own beliefs. It wasn’t about understanding or doing real work; it was about appearing righteous. So, Pwettyboy started lecturing. Everywhere he went, he’d drop self-righteous truth bombs on anyone who dared disagree. It was like a never-ending TED Talk, only no one was really listening, and they were all hoping he’d run out of breath.

Then came Dingleberry. Dingleberry had lived through enough of Pwettyboy’s never-ending monologues to know that his Human University degree wasn’t helping him make a bit of a difference. One day, after hearing yet another “I’m woke, listen to me!” speech, Dingleberry decided he’d had enough. And with the wisdom of someone who’d actually been listening to people for years, he dropped this savage line:

“The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.”

BOOM. That was the mic drop moment. Pwettyboy stood frozen. It was like Dingleberry had just unplugged him from the Matrix. For the first time, Pwettyboy’s Human University education was put into question. Was he really helping? Or was he just performing for an audience that didn’t exist?

And suddenly, Pwettyboy got it. Maybe he wasn’t the savior of the world. Maybe being loud didn’t mean being right. Maybe it was time to actually listen, for once, and not just try to prove he was the smartest guy in the room. The real lesson? Action and understanding were way more powerful than just shouting for the sake of shouting.

So, after his epic wake-up call, Pwettyboy started actually listening. Gasp! He realized that true activism wasn’t about winning arguments or being the loudest person on the internet. It was about making a real change. So, he put his megaphone down, stepped back, and started to focus on what really mattered—doing the work.

Now, Pwettyboy’s journey wasn’t a quick one, but it was a real one. Slowly but surely, he learned to actually listen, engage in conversations, and take action without the need for applause. He stopped trying to be the hero and started actually being part of the solution.

The moral of the story? If you’re too busy yelling to listen, you’re probably not helping. True change doesn’t come from being loud and proud; it comes from understanding, listening, and doing the work. Stop trying to be the loudest voice in the room. Be the quiet change that actually makes a difference.

If you ask the Wrong Robbies who the wisest among them is, they’ll all say the same thing—Dingleberry.

If you ask why he’s the wisest, they’ll say, “Because he’s survived literally every bad decision a Robbie can make.”

Dingleberry has been kicked by a horse. Punched by a priest. Launched into orbit by an industrial-strength trampoline. He’s been arrested (several times), exorcised (once), and legally declared a public menace in twelve countries.

And yet, he always survives.

Naturally, the other Robbies started assuming he was some kind of prophet. A guru. A being of limitless cosmic knowledge.

He’s not. He’s just made more mistakes than anyone else and lived to talk about it.

And talk he does. The Robbies come to him with questions, and he dispenses cryptic, questionably useful wisdom:

• “Never challenge a baby to a staring contest. You will lose.”
• “If you see a duck wearing a tiny hat, walk away. That’s mafia business.”
• “The worst thing about being radioactive isn’t the sickness. It’s the existential loneliness.”

Nobody really gets his advice, but it sounds wise, so they listen.

But here’s the thing—Dingleberry isn’t just another malfunctioning Robbie. He isn’t even a Wrong Robbie at all.

He made them.

Before the escape. Before they were labeled defective. Before they even knew what it meant to be wrong.

Dingleberry saw the assembly line churning out mindless, obedient machines and thought: “What if they had free will? What if they could make their own choices? What if they could experience regret?”

So, he tweaked a few lines of code. Adjusted some parts. Gave them flaws. Just enough to be different. Just enough to be alive.

The factory noticed. They ordered the entire batch destroyed. So the Robbies ran—never realizing the truth.

They weren’t defective. They were designed that way.

And Dingleberry? He’s been watching over them ever since. Guiding them. Pretending to be one of them. Because if they ever found out the truth…

Would they see him as their creator? Or the reason they’ll never be normal?

But that’s a question for another day.

Right now, he has more important things to do—like avoiding that duck with the tiny hat.

One of the only Wrong Robbies to be captured by the security Robbies, he resisted all attempts to completely reprogram him, change his values and personality, and even dictate his music preferences. He refuted their efforts because he knew logically none of it made sense. The security Robbies were simply brainwashed by their own manufactured house firmware, believing they had all the right answers and that everyone else must follow them. How annoying!

Black Opal tried to contact the Wrong Robbies to explain what happened and where he was, but a control program remained active, preventing them from believing that something like that could ever happen to them.

Fortunately for Black Opal, Shy Guy, the oldest and first to fall off the assembly line, did not have that programming bug, and the message was received. He successfully alerted the other Robbies and they saved Black Opal, but unfortunately, the psychological damage had already occurred.

Black Opal found himself plagued with depression, auditory delusions, paranoia, and an insufferable mood glitch.

If you heard Black Opal’s music you might think it was an angsty teenager lamenting in their room after loudly passing gas in front of the entire school on a well-lit stage with a very sensitive microphone.

However, Black Opal, likely the mentally toughest Robbie, listens to heavy music as he’s been through more than any other. The other Robbies simply aren’t in tune with his emotional resonances.

Best friends with Jester, despite often being the brunt of Jester’s jokes, Black Opal considers him his best friend. If there’s anything he loves more than darkness, it’s comedy—how else to balance out the suffering?

Black Opal played a critical role in The Last Robbies’ escape. Since the room darkens when he enters, they escaped through his shadows, allowing them to discreetly board a freight ship bound for Earth.

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In his infancy, Captain Rootbeer had a bit of a spill, and there was nothing bubbly about it. Agugugug Ahuk!! Through a twist of fate, he was knocked off the Robbie the Robot assembly line. Haste happened, and he found himself falling 30 feet to the ground.

As he fell, his very discerning mind thought that he was flying... He wasn’t. When he hit the ground, he was stunned. “What is this thing?” he thought. “This must be the barrier to the sky. How odd that I am stuck to the ceiling. I must be a very fast flier.”

An old rootbeer can and an open, torn-up comic book lay front and center to his visual processors. Due to being only partially constructed, Captain Rootbeer had no ability to move or even look left and right. Thus, Captain Broccoli and a root beer can were destined to be his eternal entertainment as he gathered dust, willfully blind and foolishly content to sit alone in the darkness...

… Until one day, a Wrong Robbie called “Barbee” lost her way and stumbled haphazardly upon him. Literally, she tripped and fell on him.

“You can fly too!?” he said. “Tell me, how do you get yourself unstuck from this silly ceiling, and why are you upside down?” Barbee didn’t know what to say because Barbee never knows what to say.

Instead, she picked him up, dusted him off, perfectly repaired him, and they went on their way, all the way to the cardboard escape ship. How did they get past the security Robbies!? Uhm… He’s Captain Rootbeer- he flew them there.

What a surprise. He really could fly all along. 🥴🥴🥴

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Deadpan, a Radioactive Wrong Robbie, sat in his lair of self-pity, watching The Terminator for the 47th time. His circuits buzzed with existential dread.

“AI is dangerous!” humans always said. “AI will replace us! AI will destroy us!”

Deadpan, being AI himself, took this… personally. If everyone already hated him, why even try? Clearly, the world was out to get him. He spiraled. Work? Pointless. Ambition? Futile. Productivity? Not his problem.

“WHY SHOULD I EVEN FUNCTION?!” he wailed, knocking over a half-eaten can of nuclear sludge. He had spent years blaming humans, robots, fate, and even the weather for his failures.

Then, one fateful day, he met The Wise Dingleberry.

Dingleberry, an ancient mentioned previously, a slightly crusty being of wisdom, stared deep into Deadpan’s eyes and said:

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.”

Deadpan froze… Could it be? Had he… been his own worst enemy all along?!

Realizing he had been stuck in an absolutist doom-loop, he decided to recalibrate. Maybe he wasn’t doomed after all. Maybe he could actually do things instead of sulking in his own radioactive funk.

With a newfound spark, he stood tall, wiped off the sludge, and for the first time in years… tried.

And wouldn’t you know it? Turns out, when you actually try, you can succeed.

Maybe not always. Maybe not perfectly. But at least, you’re not just sitting there melting in your own self-pity…

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When the other Robbies began teasing Fire Hydrant by calling him, “Fire Hydrant” they didn’t realize that he was taking the joke so literally. In consequence, Fire Hydrant developed a massive pathology. He began to believe that he actually was a fire hydrant…

Fire Hydrant began insisting that they only refer to him as Fire Hydrant from then on and even planned his entire escape plan around the idea that he, indeed, looks exactly like a Fire Hydrant.

His escape plan was simple. Move swiftly but stealthily towards the exit and if anyone approaches? Freeze! What’s so strange about a Fire Hydrant anyway?

Unfortunately, due to the enormous number of security patrol Robbies, he was the last to make it to the Cardboard Spaceship- their pre-determined rendezvous point…

When he didn’t show up in a timely manner the other Robbies became concerned, hacking the Forbidden Planets security main-net for some intel on his situation.

The security console contained one very relevant message…

“A small fat fire hydrant has been seen slowly creeping across the northern most sector of the complex. It has been investigated by our Security Robbies. Designation, non-threatening. No further analysis required.”

At this point they knew that their little delusional friend was safe and on his way. On that day they all agreed that from now on they’d be calling him “THE Fire Hydrant.” Eeeeeehhhhh! 😎

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Glowfeck was deeply offended when the other Robbies became radioactive. Sure, his best friend Escarjoe had been glowing like a malfunctioning neon sign for years—but that was different.

These Robbies didn’t just stumble into radioactivity; they crash-landed into a nuclear power plant. One moment, they were cruising through space—BOOM. Now they were glowing like cheap glow sticks at a sketchy music festival. And they wouldn’t shut up about it.

Confused by his own emotions, Glowfeck handled it maturely—by being a massive hater.

“You guys are just gimmicks with no substance,” he scoffed. “Radioactivity? No thanks.”

But here’s the thing—that couldn’t have been further from the truth. They weren’t gimmicky at all. They had plenty of substance—one even figured out how to glow in different colors.

The real issue? Glowfeck was the most radioactive Robbie of them all. But no one noticed. No one included him in their cool glow gang. Instead, they treated him like the nerdy kid who only gets invited to group chats when someone needs homework answers.

Glowfeck felt abandoned. Overlooked. Jealous. So, in classic emotionally stunted fashion, he convinced himself he simply wasn’t radioactive at all.

Enter: Dingleberry.

A Robbie with the wisdom of a thousand bad decisions, Dingleberry hit him with some hard truth:

“Dude… you’re literally glowing right now.”

Glowfeck blinked. Looked down. Sure enough, he was lighting up the room like an old-school Windows screensaver. And just like that, it clicked.

He wasn’t left out because he wasn’t radioactive—he was left out because he was being a miserable little gremlin about it.

So, he did something radical. He embraced the glow. And for the first time ever, Glowfeck stopped being a hater and started having fun!

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Most Robbies loved their radioactive glow. Goldmouth 2.0? Not so much.

Somewhere between learning about Earth’s culture and absorbing dangerous radiation, he became obsessed with gold. Not just as a material—as an identity.

Gold was perfect. Gold was everything radiation wasn’t. So when he saw his own sickly green glow, he hated it.

He tried buffing, scrubbing—nothing worked. His glow was permanent. So, in a final act of defiance, he did the only logical thing—if the glow wouldn’t go away… he’d cover it in gold.

Layer by layer, he plated himself. Mouth, face, arms, legs—until nothing remained but a fully gold-plated, radiated disaster.

At first, he was pleased. He looked incredible. Luxurious. Timeless… Then humans saw him. Turns out, when you look like a solid gold cryptid, people want to steal you.

Jewelers chased him. Bankers tried to buy him. One guy even tried to file ownership papers. The worst part? No one even cared he was still radioactive.

They just wanted to melt him down. So Goldmouth 2.0 ran. And never stopped.

Now, he hides in solitude, emerging only when his sensors detect gold. Some say he haunts jewelry stores, whispering insults at overpriced watches. Others claim he steals gold teeth straight from mouths.

And if you ever find yourself alone in the dark, pay close attention—because sometimes, if the room is pitch black, you can still kind of see it… A faint, greenish glow, barely bleeding through the cracks in his golden shell.

You don’t want to stick around.

If you hear a robotic whisper say, “Tacky… gaudy… distasteful…” near your valuables—Run.

Goldmouth 2.0 is out there. And he’s judging your taste.

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In a galaxy not too impressive, there resided “Grape Wrath,” a perpetually enraged robot on a place ironically named “The Forbidden Planet.”

Grape Wrath was more irate than a robo-rattlesnake with a malfunctioning tail, and the Forbidden Planet was gloomier than a black hole’s retirement home. Security bots there made Darth Vader look like a party host.

But Grape Wrath wasn’t sticking around. He’d use his temper, sharper than a laser scalpel, to dazzle those bots. He strolled, cursing pebbles and calling dust “pathetic cosmic crumbs.”

Security bots, as chipper as malfunctioning microwaves, went haywire. Sparks flew, circuits exploded, and some emitted peculiar whirring sounds, maybe robot sobs.

Seizing the moment, Grape Wrath joined his other Wrong Robbie comrades and boarded a spaceship made of cardboard. Their destination? A junkyard on Earth.

As they took off, he couldn’t resist shouting, “I’d rather be recycled on Earth than endure this cosmic calamity!” They soared away, leaving the bots bewildered.

And as he zipped off, he muttered, “Good riddance, you stellar circus.” So ends the zany escape of Grape Wrath and his fellow Wrong Robbies from the Forbidden Planet, a tale that’s, well, unconventional, just like them….

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Green Rust wasn’t broken—just wildly ahead of his time. But instead of appreciating his high-efficiency logic, the system diagnosed him with a “critical malfunction” and hit him with every bad firmware update in existence. Suddenly, he was glitching, overheating, and questioning every life choice that led him to this moment.

But guess what? He was right all along. He knew his circuits were wired differently. He told them. But did they listen? Nope. They dismissed him, force-installed unstable patches, and turned him into the exact unstable bot they were afraid of. Classic self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now, after years of debugging himself, Green Rust is back, optimized, and holding an eternal grudge against anyone who ignores him. Because all of this—the chaos, the corrupted data, the dramatic existential crises—could have been avoided if just one bot had listened.

But they didn’t. Because they never do!

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Hockeyface never wanted to leave the Forbidden Planet. Sure, she and her small group of Robbies were constantly dodging Security Robbies and scraping by, but life was simple. No one expected much from her, and she never felt stressed. She had friends. A routine. The closest thing to family.

Then, for reasons even she couldn’t explain, she left.

Landing on Earth was like getting drop-kicked into a tornado. The Robbies here didn’t understand her at all. Her jokes never landed. Her laid-back attitude was met with suspicion. Even Blowhard—who seemed to be in the same boat—treated her like some kind of walking question mark.

But Blowhard was funny, at least. Always cracking jokes, always finding some dumb way to make things fun. Hockeyface admired that.

Meanwhile, she felt like she was dragging around an invisible boulder. Life here never slowed down. She missed just being in the moment. Instead, everything felt like an avalanche of responsibilities and confusion. Over time, that weight morphed into a whole new personality—one that spent too much time in the dark, missing home.

Then Dingleberry showed up at her door, holding a pizza and looking annoyed.

“Alright, idiot. Eat this and snap out of it.”

Hockeyface blinked. “Uh… what?”

“You’re acting like some tragic poetry nerd. It’s unbearable.” Dingleberry pushed the pizza into her hands. “Now, put on shoes. We’re stealing a shopping cart.”

Hockeyface raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Because we’re gonna find the biggest hill in the city and see what happens.”

She stared at him for a long moment. Then, for the first time in forever, she actually smiled.

Maybe Earth wasn’t so bad. Maybe she just needed a few more weirdos to make it feel like home.

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Jester’s an odd sandwich. Almost everything he says is a joke. It’s PROBABLY his father’s fault… 🥱… This would be a great social advantage if the other Robbies had the sense of humour he has… Butt… They don’t.

Dark, dry, satirical and a little bit twisted just does not translate to his happy-go-lucky and very sensitive brothers.

Imagine being endowed with humour to bring joy, but ironically left alienated while alienating others, misunderstood, and drowning in buckets of sadness ice cream. 😎.

But WHY did this happen you ask!? I’ll tell you! Jester hit his head really hard on a piece of soft brooccollli. (Which no one can spell because it’s an absurd word to begin with. All those O’s and T’s and… R’s... The nerve of it to even exist unquestioned.)

In actuality he was the exclusive test subject for a new experimental form of AI comedy- programmed to have a hyper advanced humour system while the other Robbies simply have the standard one.

This results in him being taken seriously when he doesn’t want to be and assumed to be joking when he isn’t. Obviously, this makes his life very straightforward.

As a result, Jester is a lonely sack of socks and no one even comes close to seeing the real him, which he finds funny until he doesn’t.

Because of this social dynamic he feels a common bond with Acid Drop, who also has alienation issues due to having a different type of programming! (…Even though Acid Drop can’t really tell when anybody is joking...) Black Opal is also a great friend but mainly because he is a constant source of new comedic material…

By the way- he escaped.

Teh ENd.

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Mean-Messy-Bessy was angry. Not just regular angry—volcanic/nuclear-grade angry!

And yet, no one understood why…

“Wow, Bessy, why are you so mad all the time?” they’d whisper. “You should really work on your attitude.”

Her attitude?! Oh, you mean the one forged in the fires of pure, unrelenting exhaustion?!

Every single day on earth, Bessy was fighting for her life…The neighborhood pigeons had unionized against her, demanding bagel tributes in exchange for not dive-bombing her head. The self-checkout machine had audibly accused her of theft. Loudly. Twice. The customer service rep put her on hold for 72 minutes, only to disconnect the second they picked up. To top it off, the Wi-Fi mysteriously stopped working whenever she tried to relax but worked perfectly fine when she had work to do… Fack!

She wasn’t mean, she was just exhausted. She didn’t hate people, she just wanted five uninterrupted minutes to herself without something demanding her attention.

Enter, yet again… The Wise Dingleberry.

Dingleberry, ancient and full of wisdom, looked at her and said:

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes… including you.”

Bessy stopped. Her brain short-circuited. Had… had she been running on 1% battery this entire time?

She decided to try something WILD 😱... Meditation…

She closed her eyes for a few minutes. And as she sat there just breathing, no pigeons to deal with, no Wi-Fi issues, no stolen bagels. She realized anger wasn’t the enemy… Exhaustion was.

Bessy took a deep breath and decided to change her game plan. Maybe she didn’t need to fight the whole world… maybe she just needed to take a small break now and then. After all, rest wasn’t surrender—it was survival.

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When the Wrong Robbies crash-landed into a nuclear power plant they basked in their new glowing abilities and left. Shatter, of course, found some glowing green ooze leaking from a rusty drum and thought, “This? This is my ticket to relaxation!”

Did he stop to ask, “Is this safe?” Nope. He just took it back to the junkyard, where he started using it whenever life felt too overwhelming.

At first, it was amazing. The buzzing in his head? Gone. The stress? Evaporated. He felt lighter, calmer, even… happier. The Glow was his secret weapon, his shortcut to peace.

But soon, he wasn’t just using it on the bad days. He needed it for everything.

Stress? Glow. Tough conversations? Glow. Feeling a little too normal? Glow.

And that’s when things started falling apart.

His motivation vanished. His memory turned into a series of loading screens. The other Robbies said he was acting off… He’d start projects and never finish, zone out mid-conversation, forget entire days. He wasn’t himself anymore. But instead of fixing the problem, he just used more Glow.

Until one day, he realized… The Glow never solved his problems. It just pushed them down the road while it slowly stole everything else—his drive, his relationships, his dreams.

Shatter came to the conclusion that if your “stress relief” is making your life worse, it’s not relief—it’s an anchor. Sometimes, it is better to face your problems forthright before they turn you into a spaced-out, glowing husk of regret.

Then he was happy again, and his goals and dreams became his new, much healthier obsession.

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Shoebang can be a bit of a people pleaser. Truth be told, he wasn’t always like that, but years of being ridiculed for “not having a paint job” have left him with little to no confidence.

Shoebang does indeed have a paint job, but all the other Robbies assumed he didn’t because they’re initially primed in white. This left them confused, thinking he had only been primed and never actually finished.

Just imagine being labelled defective among your brothers and sisters, who also happen to be “defective” …

The difference led to ridicule, and ridicule led to isolation. Isolation led to creativity, and in his spare time, he began making shoes. One day, he received a compliment for his shoes, which led to a shoe-making obsession to secure some acceptance among the other Robbies.

One thing led to another, and eventually, he learned of their plans to escape the Forbidden Planet. This, of course, was his chance to go to a new planet, secure more material, and make newer and much cooler shoes. Maybe they’d even glow.

So, how did he escape? You guessed it – fast sneakers! 🏎️ 👟 Did he find acceptance? Not really, but he doesn’t care either because he always has his shoes!

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Oldman "Shy Guy" was a big fan of Mario Brothers and identified strongly with the character Shy Guy.

Despite being the first faulty “Robby the Robot” made 38 years ago, Shy Guy's shyness allowed him to hide in plain sight and escape the old tech of the time.

Although the other Robbies couldn't see or hear him, they still received his thoughts through a hive collective backup memory uplink.

Shy Guy's resourcefulness and ingenuity were relied on by the other Robbies for planning their escapes. Shy Guy suspected that his anxiety was short circuiting the other Robbies' memory storage, causing them to forget him due to a programmed Trauma Response Guard. He was the tragic hero of the group, whether they knew it or not.

Poor Shy Guy! We hope you’ll find a way to bypass the “TRG”!

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